Scared of love..

JACOB: Are you happy Sam?
CARTER: What?
JACOB: Just answer the question.
CARTER: Well at the moment things are a little rough, but in general, sure I'm happy.
JACOB: No you're not. You're content, you're satisfied, you're in control and that's the problem.
CARTER: Okay, I'm really not following here.
JACOB: I'm saying you're missing something vital from your life. And the sad part is you have no idea what I'm talking about.
CARTER: Dad, I am happy. I've seen and done things most people couldn't even dream of. I have an incredible life.
JACOB: And yet you're alone.
CARTER: Well lately the dating scene's been a little stale but then again I am marooned on a space ship. [Xono: How generic!]
JACOB: No, always. For as long as she was alive, your mother showed me a world beyond just ambition and career. She gave my life meaning and balance and it was my honour to love her for the short time she was with me. And if I were young again and I met her for the first time even knowing her fate, I would do it all again. That is love. Sam, I know you've denied yourself the experience because you think it must inevitably end in pain and loneliness. It's time to let go of the things that prevent you from finding happiness. You deserve to love someone and be loved in return.

Yes, I am sad enough to actually quote Stargate in relation to my own love life. But I finally came to the conclusion while on the train today - the conclusion that had been in the back of my mind for some time, just like my sexuality was.

I'm scared to love.

Scared to love, scared of love, or in a broader sense just scared of attachment, commitment, maybe even emotion. My parents are distant strangers to me because they fail to understand the teenage lifestyle. I don't have a problem with that - I imagine the situation is common for a lot of teenagers. However, when it comes to friends - I push them away, far too often. I convince myself they're being nice to me because they feel sorry for me - my various eccentricities, my lack of friends, of a social life - why would anyone want to be friends with me? And that paranoia, of course, generally pushes people away. The only people who can become friends with me are those whom keep trying with me (such as Christian), or those whom I keep trying with (such as Ari or the Seven).

When it comes to my love life, there's more than one issue. But the main one is I almost always feel it will never work. He isn't handsome enough, or he doesn't have the right personality, and so on. Like Carter in the above script, I fear that any relationship can only end in a break-up and so I tend to avoid relationships altogether.

So what happened on the train today? Another hot guy, of course. Why do they always show up on trains? In any case, I spent pretty much the whole trip staring at him (and I'm sure he noticed), and thinking about what I'm now posting. I panicked (for some weird reason) when he pulled out an RMIT diary, proving he wasn't as out of reach as I thought. Stupid really.. I had the perfect opportunity to open a conversation as we got off the train together, but I didn't. I think it's then when I really realised that key thing: I'm afraid to love.

On a seperate note, some of the Seven and I are modding Neverwinter Nights for our Games Studio 2 assignment. I'm keeping developer diaries on a seperate blog at http://unnameddevdiaries.blogspot.com/ . Other members of the group may post there soon.

First week over...

My first week at university is finally over... it feels like it's lasted a year. Certainly I'm sure I'm not going to enjoy this semester as much as I did last one. My subjects are:

• Imaging and Animation - At the top of my dislike list at the moment. We already have both our minor and major assignments given to us (though we can't start the minor one yet). The major one consists of drawing a scene, and then rendering it. Drawing... not something I enjoy at all, least of all when the image is required to be a sophisticated 3D scene.
• Games Studio 2 - much more fun (and difficult) this semester. The one and only assignment, lasting us all semester, is to create a mod for a game. I've teamed up with three of the Five, and we're currently planning a Stargate mod (what else?) for Neverwinter Nights. Still unsure if that will go ahead though..
• Mathematics for Computer Science - a much more relevant topic to the Games students, and significantly easier (so far) than last semester's maths, this one focuses mainly on logic. It's purely discrete, meaning no calculators are required (or permitted). One advantage to this subject is no assignments, which should help ease the workload.
• Programming Techniques/Programming Principles 2A - the next step in learning C, this subject could be amusing but the single lecture I've had so far indicates our lecturer isn't very good. Hopefully, however, this subject will present a challenge later on and I'll gain more interest.

Outside of that stuff, there's very little to report. I'm more in the social loop now, between Ari and the Five, but still feel a little isolated occasionally - that is, when I'm not collapsing of tiredness from uni classes.

Also, for those who are interested, I've read the new Harry Potter book. Very interesting, with dozens of new revelations, but I feel the ending was slightly screwed. I won't give it away for those who haven't read it, but it is quite a surprise in itself, and also defines how the books will continue in the future.

As to the gay side of my life, very little happening. I have finally uncovered why the Queer collective don't hold any rallies against homophobia, or such - apparently, if they take a political stance, RMIT cuts off their funding (which they could survive without, but not very well). I still haven't been able to figure out why, but it is at least an explanation.

Phonophobia, my social life, and my holidays..

It's been quite a significant time since my last post - somehow I just never got around to posting an entry - I wasn't in the mood, had too much other stuff to do, had just been through a humiliating event I didn't want to recount here... I had every excuse. Either way, I'm back for the moment, and will try and fill in the gaps of the last month or so..

My holidays were predictably boring - I spent virtually all the time at home alternating between Diablo 2, UT2004, and my collection of Stargate DVDs. I did on one occasion go out with some of the Seven (actually Six, for future reference - Xeon-Dingo is not a games student, despite my initial belief. Five if you don't count me). Had a great time that day - I felt a little bit left out at first, but soon I got into the swing of things. Also I went over to Brad's house one weekend - the first time in quite a while. Had a great time that day - I feel like it revived a friendship that may have otherwise died out. However, I haven't called lately - I'll explain why later. Other than those two great social events, however, my holidays were generally boring. Nonetheless, semester 2 has begun, so I'm not so bored anymore. I got in contact with the Five again at a lecture on Monday - we had lunch together, despite being kicked out of a cafe for some miscellaneous and completely unknown reason (something to do with tables, and takeaway... my parents seem to know what it is, but they can't explain it and have it make sense). Nonetheless, we intend to get together for our one and only Games Studio 2 assignment.

For the moment, I'm still sort of on holidays, despite semester 2 having already started. CS (computer science) subjects don't start until week 2, and apparently all my subjects are CS-based, so I get an extra week off. Personally, I'd rather start right away - the boredom is driving me insane.

My results came out on 11th of July (the day that also happened to be my birthday - more on that later, too), and I did quite well - apparently, by uni standards, my results were exceptional. High Distinctions all around, except for Maths, in which I almost scraped a Distinction, but not quite - a credit, at 67 out of 100. Other results were Games Studio 1: 86, Web3D: 88 (which really caught me off guard - my exam must've been near-perfect), and Computing Fundamentals: 94. Apparently a lot of students, even programmers, failed Computing Fundamentals, which stunned me no end - out of all my subjects, I would've thought it was the easiest. The programmers (all of us) have been asked to attend a meeting tommorrow (technically - today, the 14th) to sort things out. It's a break from the boredom so I'm definitely looking forward to it.

As far as my birthday - well it wasn't a massive deal. I didn't arrange anything with friends (and still haven't, but I might for this weekend), so it was just me and my parents. Got some more Stargate to add to my growing collection, some edibles (mmmm), a book I've been after for some time (Matthew Reilly of course - pro author, and I'd call this book, Hover Car Racer, his best work), and a new monitor (something I've desperately needed for some time - my old one was falling to pieces). Also had dinner out at a small seafood joint just up the road - quite a tasty meal. And... that was my birthday. The one thing I'm really thankful for is I was wrong - I didn't have classes on that day.

As for why I haven't called Brad, well that's something personal which I haven't revealed on here before, but which I think I need to. I have, I believe, phonophobia - a fear of telephones. It sounds ridiculous but I believe it to be accurate. I don't have a fear of the telephone itself as a physical object - I don't walk into an electronics shop, see a cordless phone, and run out screaming in fear :P It's nothing like that. My fear is more of talking to strangers on the telephone. It's not a fear of strangers, at least not by itself - I am far more comfortable speaking to strangers in person than on the phone. Even when it is someone I know, like Brad's parents, I am still nervous. Just the thought of asking them if I could talk to him makes me nervous. Speaking to someone I do not know on the phone is a positively terrifying thought. I can do it, when absolutely necessary, but it puts an extreme psychological stress on me. On one occasion, I had to call a university to reject their place for accomodation. My parents pushed me into doing it - they wouldn't (they know I'm nervous about the idea, but they don't know how deep the fear runs). That day, I considered suicide. Which is insane - a choice between making a phone call, and suicide?! Purely stupid. But at the time, it was deadly serious - I would've rather died than made that call. In the end, I did make the call - I was under a time limit, and there was no other option. But the memory of that day is still a source of fear to me. I don't mind speaking to certain people - my friends, my parents. Other people I know I'm slightly nervous about, but strangers are the ultimate problem. I don't even answer the phone at home, ever, unless caller ID tells me it's either my friends or my parents. It is a serious problem, and I'll need to get over it to get in the workforce, or to live alone. I just don't know how.